First you need the headline. It needs to feature the words “Benefits” “Jobless” and/or“Unemployed” plus what “luxury” these nefarious people spend their money on. You must put in a large sum of a few thousand ££££s in the title. If the thing originally cost £10, it becomes £10000. If they have kids include that, right-wing frothers in Britain absolutely despise kids. (Especially other people’s.) Then finish with words such as taxpayers, our money or YOU (It’s important that it is in CAPS). Lastly for the Cherry on top of the cake, add some other luxury that the specimen supposedly want YOU the TAXPAYER to pay for.

Your headline should look something like:

Jobless Scroungers On Benefits With 58 Kids Have A Birthday Party That Cost YOU The Taxpayer £10,000 – Including Specialized Food That Enables Them To Stay Alive.

[Your name]

The Sub-line: And Shockingly They Want YOU to give them MORE money.

That’s the headline done. Now you have your interview notes. You can’t use most of it, because you can’t possibly make your subjects look like a fucking human being with thoughts, feelings and sympathetic problems, now can you? That would be unthinkable.


So say your interview looks a little something like this:

You: So I’m here to share your sympathizing plea out to the world. Here is my boss with some starving children. *Shows badly imposed photoshopped image of Rupert Murdoch looking disgusted at some starving African Children.* I’m totally on your side, honesty, pinky swear bleh bleh blah and all that. *coughs to clear throat.* So how have you been struggling?
Them: It’s been really tight, really hard since we’ve lost our jobs. We’ve been trying to find work but there’s nothing out there. The Job Centre is more bullying than helpful. I had a job interview last week, I was hopeful but at the end they said they didn’t want to hire anyone after all, they did offer that I could work for them as a volunteer, unpaid without any expenses but I have kids to look after so I can’t afford it. Last time I worked was a few months ago, I had a temporary job for a few weeks but the work dried up.
You: Okay the situation sounds pretty dire. You have my full sympathy , seriously I’m not lying here, you can trust me better than even your own mother. So you know I’m doing a story about how to organize a fun birthday party on a tight limited budget, how are you going about that?

Them: Well we’ve cut down on luxuries for months. We already don’t drink and smoke, we’ve gone really bare bones, simple cheap food, tap water etc. We put the money saved into a pot, it’s not much, about £40. Mostly to cover a few small gifts for our youngest and to get a specially made gluten free birthday cake made at MrsPatties Bakery as she is gluten intolerant.

You: What gifts have you got her?

Them: The most expensive thing is a Frozen Queen Elsa doll, it cost around £12, the other stuff… well a small beanie plushie which was around £5, a £1 colouring book and crayons and other small little toys.

You: What about decorations?

Them: Oh that, we just brought a bunch of multicoloured paper from a pound store to make our own. Gives the kids something to do.

You: Okay I got that, I just want to ask some extra questions, no big deal, I’m totally not planning to stab you in the back and make you look like the most hated people in the country now am I?*clears throat, takes a drink* Considering we live in a highly unequal country , I mean just look at Royalty, people born into riches without doing anything to deserve it, therefore do you think the government should do more to help struggling families who didn’t have the same lucky accident of birth as say Prince George and Princess Charlotte? Do you agree that it would be beneficial for the government to provide extra money in order to allow your children to keep up in the race.

Them: Well since you put it like that, yeah. Though we’d prefer it if they would invest in creating jobs. We’d rather be working and it’s a desert here.

You: Thank You, I have what I need. It’s going to be a great article, trust me it’ll pull at the heartstrings of the readers. Last thing I need is for you to pose for the camera. We need you to change into these clothes and get you and your kids to hold up these giant empty boxes, is that okay?

Them: Erm… sure?


Now you, a god awful tabloid hack, notices that there isn’t all that much that you can actually use. So now is the time to get creative with the template, meaning not very much because you have deadlines and you aren’t exactly a bright creative spark or else you’d have different job.

You could have done some investigative journalism into Job Centres, illegal unpaid work and the lack of job opportunities, but that would imply you were a real journalist, you don’t want that, being a *gasp* real journalist means you’ll never get that much coveted celebrity gossip column you’ve been dreaming of since you realised you were never going to marry Prince William.

So lets perform some Murdochian-Daily Heil magic:

I had a job interview last week, I was hopeful but at the end they said they didn’t want to hire anyone after all, they did offer that I could work for them as a volunteer, unpaid without any expenses but I have kids to look after so I can’t afford it. Last time I worked was a few months ago, I had a temporary job for a few weeks but the work dried up.

The above now becomes:

Mr Doe hasn’t worked for 5 years+ and Ms Doe hasn’t worked since she got pregnant with her first child over 10 years ago, they have had 57 since. Mr Doe recently turned down a job offer as it wouldn’t pay more than what he gets in benefits.
Next you point attention to their legal yet outrageous crimes against the almighty taxpayer and get carried away with the totals:

Well we’ve cut down on luxuries for months. We already don’t drink and smoke, we’ve gone really bare bones, simple cheap food, tap water etc. We put the money saved into a pot, it’s not much, about £50. Mostly to cover a few small gifts for our youngest and to get a specially made gluten free birthday cake made at MrsPatties Bakery as she is gluten intolerant.

The most expensive thing is a Frozen Queen Elsa doll, it cost around £12, the other stuff… well a small beanie plushie which was around £5, a £1 colouring book and crayons and other small little toys.

Oh that, we just brought a bunch of multicoloured paper from a pound store to make our own. Gives the kids something to do.

This is converted to:

Despite being jobless and on benefits, they are funding an extravagant birthday party, totalling £10,000 for their youngest, Mini Doe, 4, OUT OF YOUR TAXPAYER MONEY. They have spent £1800 on the latest 4K 65” TV, as well as spending another £1500 on the latest consoles, tablets and phones. Other gifts they have not brought but are planning to buy include a Mountain Bike (£700) and a specially made life size Frozen Doll (£650)plus another £350 to spent on decorations such as balloons and party hats. Outrageously, we can reveal these feckless scroungers have also, out of their Taxpayer funded benefits, booked to hold Mini Doe’s birthday party at an exclusive luxury venue called MrsPatties, said to be frequented by celebrities such as Victoria Beckham. An estimated cost of this is approx £5000 and includes a specially made cake (£500) as Mr and Ms Doe allegedly claim their youngest is gluten-intolerant.

When questioned about their “lifestyle”, they claim that while they are on welfare, they don’t want their kids missing out and they want them to have a happy childhood. But when many hard-working families are struggling, should the tax payer really be paying out for this expense? They claim they managed to afford this by cutting down on drinking and smoking. They said “We used to drink like 20 cans a day, now we only drink 2.” Although Ms Doe sneakily added “But the smoking is harder to cut down and I sneak myself a packet of fags every week.”
Now you add how much they get in benefits, you don’t have to be accurate because, well, it’s been a long day and you just can’t be bothered:

Mr and Ms Doe received weekly from the taxpayer, £345 in JSA, £4000 in HB, £2320 in child benefit as well as council tax paid, free prescriptions and glasses. Estimated around £ 360,000 a year from hard-working taxpayers.

Last point of call is to really stick the nail in and make your subject beyond redemption in the eyes of pure blessed taxpayers:

Well since you put it like that, yeah. Though we’d prefer it if they would invest in creating jobs. We’d rather be working and it’s a desert here.

Voila:

Astonishingly, these scroungers even demand more money from YOU the taxpayer as they don’t think what they get is enough. When asked about whether they’d like to get a job they replied with “Nah, we are good as we are, no job will ever give us a better lifestyle than what we have already have on benefits and we are grateful with live in a country that allows us to live like that. Still it would be good if the government could give us more money for the sake of the children, we are very squeezed for cash.”

*Add in the photograph of the Doe family looking stereotypical in front of a giant TV, holding large boxes.*

There, that’s the core of your shiny new froth bait article done. If you want that gold star make sure to litter the article with words like “incredibly” “shameless” “luxury” “astonishingly” “by the state” “bragging“ “… bonus funded by taxpayers” “scrounger “ “lifestyle” “lavish” “astonishing” “notorious” “taking advantage” “generous” “handouts” “outrage” “hard-Pressed families” “hard working taxpayers” “hard working struggling families” “moaning” and “feckless”.

And of course constantly write YOU, OUR, YOUR MONEY so that the reader who is likely so poorly paid that they don’t even contribute to the tax intake, thinks that their money is personally handed to these people.

Maximum frothage is achieved and you are now a shitty tabloid hack. Yay go you.  😀

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